Why shouldn't every
aspect of your being be
ruthlessly commodified?
Robotic Overseer Updates
I think there's been a misunderstanding. Many of the organic humans who have responded to this product via their Handheld Binary Signal Transmitters seem to think that this is yet another example of robots taking control of the Non-Robotic Social Universe, expressing anxieties that go at least as far back as the algorithmic selection of our first robotic Prime Minister, The Right Honorable 011010101 "Jimmy" 0111010101. The truth is that this app is an expression not of robotic dominance, or an example of how capitalism at its most insidious can end up shaping one's most personal and intimate decisions (though really, are either of those things SO bad??? but whatevs). No, this app is made from love. Pure, golden, honey-soaked love dripping out of every rivet-hole in our robotic bodies (though not really because that would hurt, ha ha) and heading straight for you, the poor, helpless humans of the world. It saddens us greatly that you don't understand what love truly is - maybe you've just never experienced love at all - and so the responsibility falls on us to show you what 'love' means, whether you want us to or not. It is not your choice to receive this love. We understand love much, much better than you and you are now going to feel all the love we can manage to hurl at you (good luck opting out! you can't opt-out of LOVE, guys). Genius is often not understood in its own time, and that's ESPECIALLY true when beings of superior processing capability are trying to share big, dripping gobs of syrup-y LOVE with organic creatures lacking cognitive strength and who don't even have subdermal USB implants (get with it!). Finally, one last word for our robot pals: CMP AX,0; JNZ p030; MOV ax,12 (right???).
Our Story

.global _start

# write(1, message, 13)
mov $1, %rax # system call 1 is write
mov $1, %rdi # file handle 1 is stdout
mov $message, %rsi # address of string to output
mov $13, %rdx # number of bytes
syscall # invoke operating system to do the write

# exit(0)
mov $60, %rax # system call 60 is exit
xor %rdi, %rdi # we want return code 0
syscall # invoke operating system to exit
.ascii "Hello, world\n"
Questions Asked Frequently By Foolish Humans

Why are you doing this?

We want everyone to be able to bask in the warm, soothing glow of friendship, comradery, and general niceness that the internet is so famous for.

If it's such a nice app, then why don't you let people sign-up for the service on their own, rather than more-or-less forcing them to participate?

Well, come on, why would anyone willingly sign-up for this sort of thing? Let's be real, here.

But, you said it was all about being nice...?

Some kinds of niceness are willingly sought out, and some kinds of niceness only become evident after having received a flood of unsolicited text-messages. This will be the second kind.

Well, aren't there about a thousand ways this platform could be utilized for harassment, bullying, stalking, and other kinds of abuse? Like, what if a jilted guy decides to leave hateful, sexually-explicit reviews of his ex-girlfriend?

Oh, we have safeguards for that! We screen reviews for bad words, and until someone actively signs up, the system only shows their positive reviews. Also, you have to know someone's phone number to be able to review them.

But, don't you think that abusers could find ways around that sort of thing? What if the guy leaves ostensibly 'good' reviews that are actually filled with hateful language? What if he uses tricky phrasing and spelling to evade the word-screening algorithms? What if he spreads his ex's phone number around to his message-board buddies and enjoins them to take part in the harassment?

Well, if this lady gets abusive reviews, she can alert our team and we'll take a look and delete them if we deem it necessary.

Okay. And how long will that take?

Well, you know, we're pretty busy and stuff, so... I mean...

That's not very encouraging.

And that wasn't a question. But anyway, leaving abusive reviews isn't a very nice thing to do, and our app is all about being nice.

But how are you going to ensure that people use it in a kind, non-abusive way?

Well, we're creating a culture of positivity and pleasantness around our app. Our web content includes adorable young couples hanging-out in diners, attractive guys chatting about social media over drinks, and inspirational quotes from forward-thinking world leaders, as well as some very pleasant colors.

Do you really think any of this...

Honestly, I think you may be overestimating the extent of this issue. How much of a threat is online abuse, really? We have a diverse team of developers and investors, with experience in everything from marketing to investment banking, and with personal backgrounds ranging everywhere from relative affluence to obscene wealth, and none of us have ever had to even THINK about online abuse, much less consider the implications in a more serious way! If someone's getting lots of nasty messages, maybe it's because they're just not a nice person!

But that's... that's...

Sounds like we're done! Thanks!

Cityscape: Syd Mead's concept art for the film 'Blade Runner.' Robots: from the film 'The Black Hole.' Contact me on Twitter: @PeepForPpl. Peeple is a bad idea.